It’s Just Poison…

I thought that the flight to Cairo would never come. I was so tired and the gate kept changing. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that the only monitor that was listing the gates was about a quarter mile away, near the entrance of the terminal. On top of that, they would never actually tell you that it was changed. I would be sitting at the gate and then see an Air Itallia plane pull up. Ok, I guess it was changed again. So I would have to walk back to see what the new gate was. Royal pain.

 

Right before we were to board, I met up with a guy that looked like a Russian version of Dimebag Darryl mixed with a little bit of Rob Zombie. Thankfully he spoke English, so we hung out on the bus ride to the plane. He was heading to Cairo for work. His job was to see what chemicals he could get into the country. It was explained in broken English, and I didn’t press for more details.

 

I will call this flight, the flight of the babies. The first baby incident was as we were boarding the plane. The bus dropped us off in front of the plane and we had to climb up a staircase to get onto the plane. There were two older Arabic ladies in front of me, full head to toe garb, burkas and all. With them was a little boy, maybe two. Just old enough to barely walk. So these two ladies (probably mom and grandmother) started walking up the steps with the kid left at the bottom. I yelled up at them, “hey!” and then pointed at the kid. The older lady yelled something at me in Arabic and then turned around and got on the plane. “What the fuck?” The little kid is now just sitting on the ground staring at me. So I grabbed him and carried him up the stairs and set him down once in the plane. The flight attendant lady smiled at me and started talking to the little boy and then to me. I’m not sure what she was saying exactly, but the gestures said, “what a cute little boy you have”. I corrected her immediately saying, “oh…no. He’s not mine. He belongs to them,” and pointed to the two ladies already at the back of the plane. The flight attendant looked at me confused and took the boy to the parents. What’s with people?

 

Next baby incident: To the left of me, across the aisle, a couple were seated with a baby that REALLY didn’t want to be on the plane. Awesome. All I want to do is sleep. Oh well, I had my headphones and could drown the baby out with a little High on Fire.

 

Then the couple that had the seats next to me sat down, and THEY had a baby. She was calm, and seemed actually happy to be on the plane. Nice, no problem here. Once we were airborne, the flight attendant showed up with a bassinet that hooked onto the wall in front of us. How cool. They plopped the baby in there so it could sleep and so did I.

 

Towards the end of the flight, some heavy turbulence woke me up, and the baby in box in front of me. She didn’t cry or anything, but was probably thinking the same thing as me, “Where the hell are the parents?!” They were gone. Both of them! Then, in a split second, the baby decided to get out. Well, get out is a three foot drop to the ground with a definite ricochet off the armrest of a chair. I sprung forward and caught her about a second from certain disaster. I put her back in the crib and we played high five. The flight attendant came by and noticed me playing with the baby and no parents. She asked me if I really liked babies. I told her, “No, their parents just keep disappearing and I’m left with a baby. Where the hell are the parents!” It was a full flight, so where the hell did they go? Five minutes later, the mom showed up and apologized for leaving the baby with me (I was friggen asleep!).

 

We landed somewhere around 10pm (Friday). Before going through customs, we were subjected to something new. We were all given a piece of paper asking about our personal health and travel locations. Then we had to give them to a doctor that was there. He would check us out (just visually), and then allow us to proceed. Looks like swine flu is serious over here.

 

I paid for my visa ($15), went through customs, and then outside to where I as greeted by a mass of people all waiting for friends and family. About half of that mass were taxi drivers all yelling and screaming at me about how they wanted to take me to a hotel. I had made plans earlier to have a driver pick me up at the airport. The question was how the hell was I to find him. I started reading all the signs people were holding with names on them, hoping to see my name. One of them stood out, “Mr. Karen”. I was thinking…hmmm, if someone was telling a driver my name over the phone, and perhaps in Arabic, it would sound like it would be “Karen”. I gave the crowd a once-over again, just in case and I saw a really happy man with a sign that said, “Mr. Adam Callen”. Bingo!

 

We drove back to the hostel and he pointed out a lot of the landmarks to me along the way. The total drive took about 30 minutes or so. I entered the building that he pointed out was my hostel, and I was terrified. It looked like a bombed out shell of a building that time had forgotten about. No way was my hostel in there. Then I saw the sign for the hostel. Crap. It was in there.

 

I went to the elevators and got inside the first one, hit 7, and waited. Nothing. I hit it a couple more times…nothing. OK. Fuck this. I’m taking the stairs. If you could see the elevator, you would understand. Most of the parts were ripped out, and it looked like it was installed sometime in 1950 and hasn’t been touched since. Then a nice man ran up to me, open the door to the other elevator and smiled while waving me in. Ok, I’ll give it a shot. It worked! I’m not sure how, but it was going up. Bumpy as hell, but I made it. I couldn’t get out of there quick enough.

 

I checked into the hostel, met a guy from Buenos Aires, and then dropped off all my things. I then hung out in the common room with the guy from Argentina, and one of the guys that works there. He was explaining to us how to get to the Pyramids and other places. (By this point I was already into my Jager =)

 

After that, the guy took us out to get some food and beers at a place around the corner. We were walking down streets, where if we were in the US, I wouldn’t be caught dead on. Skeeviest place I have ever seen. Dirty as all hell, and just creepy feeling. Way worse than the Favelas in Rio. The main difference is that it was pretty safe here, and totally not save in the Favelas. 

I jumped into a cab and headed to work. Priority number one was to finish deploying a new environment at work that everyone thought wouldn’t happen (yeah, I finished it =).

 

I think I arrived sometime around 11am and I had to leave for the airport no later that 3:15. That gave me 4 hours to do 3 days of work, get some lunch, go to the bank, and hit up B&H to pick up the new Canon 7D (it’s awesome!)

 

I finished all my work around 12:45, and I ran out of the building and jumped in a can to B&H. I had everything and then realized that I left my passport (my only form of ID) back at work. FUCK! I needed to pay for everything with a credit card and I have no ID. I also don’t have any time to go back to the office and return… shit shit shit!

 

Operation, You-Don’t-Need-ID, commenced.

 

When I approached the check out counter, I kept the lady talking and laughing throughout the entire process. Made sure that her mind was on anything other than this transaction. This allowed her to conveniently forget to ask for my ID. Score!

 

From B&H I ran to the bank (literally ran). Made my transfer and then jumped in a cab back to the office. I picked up two pieces of street meat (hot dogs from a street vendor) and ran into the building. It was now 2:30. That gives me 45 minutes to wrap things up, eat my food, and start playing with my new toy =)

 

I left the office at exactly 3:15. I had a feeling traffic would be bad, and was I ever so right. It took over an hour and half(!) to get to JFK. This is normally a 45 minute ride.

 

Into the airport, I checked in with Aeroflot (the Russian airlines) and went to my gate. I only had to wait about 30 minutes before they began to board.

 

Once on the plane, I was fully engulfed in my new camera instruction book (this camera is amazing, seriously). When we got into the air and drink service started, I was asked what I wanted in Russian. I shook my head and said I was OK with a smile … =)

 

Russian flight attendant lady looked confused and said some more Russian and pointed at the sodas in her tray. I smiled, showed her my bottle of Coke that I brought on with me and said “No, thank you =)”.

 

I’m not sure if the Russians hate Coke, don’t like to be refused from an offer, or just don’t give a damn about your response, but she promptly said something in an angry tone and shove a can of Pepsi in my face and dropped a “moist towelette” on my lap and left. I felt used.

 

For the main course, I had a guy flight attendant. I wasn’t really that hungry, but learning from my previous lesson, when he spoke to me in Russian (translate: “Fish or Beef”). I nodded with a smile on my face, stuck out my hands, and said “Beef please”. He smiled and gave me beef. It was good.

 

Now I’m watching Indiana Jones : Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in Russian on a TV that looks to have been created sometime in the late 70′s. I was kinda curious why they chose this movie. I mean, it’s the Russians (Post WW2 era) against the Americans, and the Russians are the bad guys. Glad I’m an American aboard a plane full of Russians going to Russia on a Russian airline.

 

Now to kill some time. I fired up my laptop and watched 2012. I was expecting it to be horrible according to all the reviews that I read, but it was a fun watch. I liked it and it did the job. After that I watched a documentary called Food Inc. (Man, Russians are gaudy…I’m sitting in Moscow watching everyone walk by, and the clothing / jewelry choices of these people are amazing. The women mainly.) So, this movie… it was really good and I highly encourage everyone to watch it. I guarantee you’ll learn something. It’s one of those movies where by the end of it you feel that we’re all doomed. You know. A feel good movie.

 

Oh, and my laptop screen glitched out on me in the middle of the movie too. Everything just turned blue. Had to keep hitting it and make sure not to touch it once the picture came back. Looks like I’ll be returning this thing as soon as I get home. Dang it!

 

Another little nugget of knowledge for you; Russians are the type to clap and cheer when a plane lands. You would think their favorite (holy shit… this chick next to me is listening to the radio and the Ghostbusters theme song just came on!) sports team just won a world series. Very similar to Latin Americans. I’m still on the fence as to why they do it though. I’m not sure if it’s, “Yay! We’ve made it!” or perhaps a , “Woo hoo! We’re alive”. I should ask around.

 

As we were deplaning (not sure if that’s a word, but it is now =), there were two security guys pointing these weird looking devices at us that had a giant eye on it. At first I seriously thought they were looking for radiation levels on everyone as they were leaving, but as I passed one of the guys I looked back and saw that there was a black and white screen looking through the people s clothes. It was a mobile x-ray / infrared scanner. Really cool tech. I want one!

 

So, it’s noon here in Moscow, and I have 6 hours to kill before my flight leaves for Cairo. I tried to get a Russian visa before I left, but apparently you need to stay at least 1 night to get one. Dammit! So I’m stuck in a smoke filled airport that looks like they built it drunk with a bunch of drywall. I’m pretty sure this place was built in the communist era and hasn’t really been updated since. Well, except for the tons of duty free shops (I counted 15… there’s only 20 gates in this terminal) and the IRISH BAR! (WTF?). My first task is to buy liquor. Why? Because I read that hard liquor costs in Cairo can run up to $15 a shot for whiskey and such (hell no!). I knew I could get some cheap vodka here, but I really wanted Jager… what would be the chances? I can tell you 1 in 15 =). In the back corner along the bottom of the last Duty Free shop was a row of Jaermeister! Hell yes! Leave it to me to sniff it out. Now I know I’ll have an AWESOME time in Cairo. I just hope the Egyptians are ready for me

 

Ok, I thought my evening / morning (man…i am lost in time right now) was over. I was fading out by a wall and then forced myself to get up and walk around. It was 4:30pm Russia time (8:30am NYC time). That’s when I realized I will probably sleep on my flight to Cairo. And I land at 11pm. So food looks like it’s not going to happen. Since I don’t have any roubles (Russian currency), I need to use a card. That means restaurant. That’s when I remembered that Irish Pub.

 

Have you ever belched fine caviar while listening to a combination of Tetris techo and Beatles hip hop? Welcome to the Russian version of an Irish pub =). I’m on Tullamore Dew (my favorite, hard-to-find-in-the-US Irish whiskey) glass number 5. I had penne pasta with salmon and onions with a side of caviar. Odd, tasty, but not my thing. Hungry…I ate it.